By Eithne Cullen
Welcome to February’s Thoughtful Tuesday page. February is the month of Valentine’s and romance and who am I to break away from that theme when we’re using Choices for the magazine theme at the moment?
Unsurprisingly, I’m not the only Write On! editor to explore love and choice. Last week we heard from Amber, who is a different generation to me. Her perspective is shaped by modern dating culture and the pressure to choose well. My page is shaped by my experience of living through very different ways of meeting and loving.
All of this has made me think about how the very idea of ‘dating’ has shifted over time, both in practice and in language. When completing my favourite cryptic crossword the other day, I solved the clue Working out age when courting… of course the answer was dating! That’s a fine coincidence, because the pieces I’m sharing all deal with the subject of dating, too.
I’ve never used internet dating sites or dating apps, but I find it amusing that I understand all the names of the apps and the language that goes with them, such as swiping right or left to accept or refuse a possible date. They’ve become part of our cultural terms of reference. I can also tell you I’ve been to more than one wedding where the perfect match came from an online introduction, proving they certainly do work.
The first piece I’m sharing with you is a poem, which tells of a not-so-successful date.
Internet Dating
We swapped photos,
arranged to meet in Starbucks
by Hendon station.
Early, I sat drinking coffee,
observing the front door.
‘Oh, you’re already here,’ he said,
sitting down,
then grumbled about his sore foot,
his waste-of-space son
before shifting to his bipolar disorder,
claiming he never usually mentioned it on a first date.
Nothing else planned,
I agreed to dinner
anticipating some classy restaurant,
a ride in that gorgeous red Ferrari
framed in the photo he sent.
He took me to a cheap Turkish diner
in his dented Golf,
glove compartment gaffer-taped shut
He dug deep in his pocket,
paid for the meal,
asked me to join him in the local pub,
We sat on high bar stools drinking wine,
him talking, me half listening
watching the clock
until I could make my excuses
and run for the train home.
© Nina Simon, 2015
Thanks for sharing that, Nina, I’m relieved to say it’s not based on a real experience.
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When I wrote my novel, Never Not In My Thoughts, I told the story of a man whose wife just vanished from his life. My writing mentor suggested that he should have a dating life sometime in the book, but I knew the character well and thought he’d find it very uncomfortable. Here’s the account of a poor attempt at dating.
Meanwhile, his friends kept trying to match-make for him. He was included in trips to the theatre, parties (suddenly a lot of his friends were turning forty or getting married) and the worst of all, dinner parties where there were always single women, as if he needed to be fixed up with a replacement for the wife who’d disappeared from his life. Martin appreciated everyone’s kindness and went along with their invitations but often found himself talking to some earnest young woman who was so interested in his life. Some of them were very attractive, some were very needy.
After one of these dinner parties he took someone’s number. It took him quite a few days to pluck up the courage to call her and they arranged a date for drinks the following week. The pub they met in was busy and noisy. He hadn’t realised it was pub quiz night and the crowds were gathering for a nine o’clock start. He and his companion sat, quietly, at first, nursing their gin and tonics. He wished he’d bought a pint, but didn’t say so. She was attentive and began to make conversation, the effort was excellent. She asked about his childhood, his university and his hobbies. In turn he asked her small-talk questions and heard about her book club and her garden. He thought their meeting at the dinner party had been easier than this; conversation had been uncomplicated and painless. It became apparent she was used to dating. He felt like an awkward fifteen year old. He almost fell off the chair when she reached across to kiss him, “Let’s get the first kiss over with, saves a lot of awkwardness later.” She couldn’t have made it more awkward, lunging in at him and depositing the wettest mouth he could imagine full on his mouth. He pulled away, “Drink?” he hurried to the bar to get himself a beer.
They left after the quiz started and, to her surprise, they didn’t go on somewhere and there was no awkward second kiss. Martin felt ashamed; when he got in he quickly said goodnight to Rosie and went to watch the children sleep. He didn’t think he’d be dating, yet. It wasn’t about Holly right now, it was about him.
© Eithne Cullen, 2018
Connect with me on Instagram: @eithnecullen57
Never Not In My Thoughts is available on Amazon
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The next piece is a reflection on dating apps, from someone who has experience of using them.
Dating Stuff
I stayed off dating apps for over a year after spending far too long on them. At some point, the so-called dating fatigue isn’t a theory anymore it’s a lived condition. Finding a partner, or even a man who can hold a decent conversation, starts to feel like searching for a needle in a haystack.
Even the ones who claim they only want something casual rarely know how to talk. As everyone now calls it, the male loneliness epidemic is real, though sometimes it feels painfully self-inflicted.
As a woman looking for a committed relationship, dating is exhausting work. Married men roam around on these apps too, and discovering that after investing time and emotion is quietly devastating. Who really wants to become a home-wrecker by accident?
Dating apps promised openness and accessibility. Instead, most people end up trading unsolicited pictures and nothing substantial. No wonder people say it damages your confidence. By the ripe old age of twenty-eight, it already feels like burnout.
They say we should de-centre men from our lives and I agree, in theory. But when ovulation hits hard, even the most average man suddenly looks like very gorgeous. You know what I mean!
So toys come in handy for many, don’t they?
Because falling for men who don’t know how to communicate, date with some intention, or make you feel something is no longer an option.
Dating is tough!
© Vrushali Khadilkar, 2026
Connect on Instagram: @aprilautumnservices
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The final piece I’m sharing today is a sound and heartfelt piece on many aspects of relationships, including those made through dating apps.
Dating Apps: Time And The Truth Of Patterns
It doesn’t really matter if we first meet online or in person. What matters most at the start of a relationship is that both people are open and ready. That was true for me. After ten years alone following the loss of my daughter’s father, I was ready to begin a new relationship with honesty and presence.
Excitement and chemistry make falling in love seem effortless and promising, but real relationships once you decide to take things from ‘online’ and into ‘real life’ are tested when initial feelings fade. This is when patterns, not platforms, define what comes next.
Early chemistry can mask a great deal. The gloss is convincing, and at that stage, there is no reliable way to know whether the other person has done any inner work at all since their last relationship; or whether unresolved patterns are quietly steering the ship. Then again, some people aren’t interested in the slower, less glamorous work of being present in a relationship. This is true however you first met. They skip through people as though they are disposable, with no accountability, or single word of communication. I pity their next victim who doesn’t yet know what they are in for.
So, it turns out, you aren’t even on the same page. Nevertheless, most people would agree that relationships are built on actions, not just words—how someone acts in everyday life matters most. Lying and cheating are choices, not misunderstandings. Some people avoid real closeness and don’t want to even entertain a conversation about the Five Love Languages! Instead, they rely on routines, distractions, or social settings that keep them from being truly known, often hiding behind different personas.
It’s normal to want to grow closer and share daily life when you start a committed relationship. Over time, you see whether both people welcome that shared responsibility or avoid it. If you must ask to be included in a close friend group or future plans, that’s a sign of where things are going.
When a structure is unstable from the beginning, unravelling is inevitable. One dropped stitch may be accidental, but numerous dropped stitches reveal a broken weave. Dating apps can accelerate these behaviours, letting people reinvent themselves without real change. The same patterns will continue to repeat whether online, or in person.
Choosing again without reflection is just rehearsing the same outcome.
Green flags are easy to spot: being consistent, making plans, including you, and staying present in daily life. Red flags are just as clear: saying things without following through, giving just enough attention to keep you around while they pull away, avoiding shared life, always looking elsewhere, after all, to them the ‘grass is always greener’.
Ultimately the issue is not how we meet, but whether we are willing to remain present long enough to be known — and to take responsibility for what we do once we are.
© Julie Dexter, 2026
Connect with Julie on Instagram: @latenightswimmer
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Thanks to my contributors, today. Some of what they have shared is very personal and certainly very thoughtful.
Happy St Valentine’s Day to those who celebrate and make it a special day… but remember, for many it’s just another day, that’s what choices are all about.
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Issue 27, featuring eco-poet Sarah Westcott is out now. You will be able to find it in libraries and other outlets. Alternatively, all current and previous editions can be found on our magazines page here.
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